I once hoped I could find a man whose actions were for me, who would do anything I ask. Who would love me unconditionally with his heart.

And I just realised, I have this man all along.

A man who held me in his arms, against all elements. A man who sweated and worried for me. A man who slept on the foldable bed when I was in hospital, always alert for my slightest movement.

Slap me if I am ever ungrateful to him, slap me if I am not filial. But inside my heart, I already feel the pain and guilt should I ever let him down. Or worse, do something to put myself at a disadvantage. Because to know I am hurting hurts him more.

Mum watched a show the other day titled "Back to you and me". The show depicted how a man begged his wife to go out late every night, cause he was dying and he wanted his wife to be able to live her life without him. It's a sweet thought, but also cruel.

So my mum reflected how life torments two people in love. A sweet honeymoon period, where the couple is tighter than glue. Then, when the children are born, or the mundane details of life kicks in, the couple grows distant. Finally when they are retired and able to spend time together, death sets in, and breaks the two of them apart. Don't tell me rubbish like in heaven they will meet. How would you know?

But to have lived a life loving someone, and being loved by the same someone, I guess there is nothing else to regret. It is worse if suddenly death robs your love away from you, in an accident. At least when you die of old age, you spend the last days together.

I will probably spend the most time with my boyfriend, my husband, but in my heart, I guess he can only be my third most loved. After my father and my brother. No doubt.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll be left fatherless, and then orphaned. Separated from the ones who took the best care of me. And I suddenly think of the song, 练习。But how could one practise to live life without love?